Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Remember me?

Sorry for my absence lately, real life has been a rollercoaster. It's from suprise to find out I was pregnant, sickness as morning sickness hit hard and me and the couch became firm best friends, secrecy because I wanted to tell people but wanted to wait until 12 weeks. Then everything disappeared and I knew something was wrong. So last week it was like everything came hurtling to a finale, rang the doctor trying to ask if I was being overcautious but couldn't get through, rang VHI and  I told her my symptoms she told me to go to a&e immediately. Because I was in so much pain, they thought it was ectopic so when they scanned me I felt relief when she said "The baby is in the right place" then silence... I knew in my heart that McLentil Pants wasn't going to make it, she said that because I was coming up on 10 weeks a heart beat should have been visible.
But the saga doesnt stop there,that was just the prelude..I put grieving on hold to focus on the courtcase on Friday. After 3 years I just wanted it over and the way the day panned out I could never have imagined it.
Surely that was the end of the bad luck..no unfortunately not. D was rushed to hospital on Saturday, his liver has stopped working and he had turned yellow. He was accused of being an alcoholic & drug user.... this from a guy who would begrundingly take a panadol. It's hard to stay optimistic but we are ignoring our own pain and trying to focus on each other.
So here we are, a week since it all begun and waiting on a plateau with everything resting on today.
D has his tests at 12 and hopefully we will find something out.
Waiting for my D&C tomorrow and I can begin to grieve properly.

And my final feeling is regret because I regret starting a pregnancy journal and scrapbook. This should have been  a happy post  showing my new LO's so my regret is that it has to end so suddenly.
Thanks for listening x


  1. I am so sorry to hear your news hun, I honestly dont know what to say only keep your head high in some cases but let your self cry if you need to.

    Take Care of yourself and D hun.


  2. Oh Lou, you poor poor lady, my heart is breaking for you. As Laura says, cry if you need to cos it does help the grieving and also try to keep your head high & rise above the rest. I hope D's health improves very very soon.
    Take care & ((((Hugs)))) Lou


  3. You're so brave to post all this Lou. I know your luck will change soon but you have to keep your heads above water until then. You know I'm here day or night if you need anything. xxxxx

  4. oh Lou (((BIG HUGS))) I am sooo sorry to read your news!!! I can only imagine how hard that post was to write and the grief you both must be feeling!!! Will be thinking of you and D today and hoping that things start to go right for you.....you deserve a break.

    take care of yourself, you will find the strength to get through this, take your time and grieve and just remember you are not alone (hugs) and if you need anything you know where to find us

  5. ah Im so sorry to read this, all I can do is send hugs and hope that things will get better for you both very soon.

  6. Sending you and D loads of hugs and hope things will change for the good in the very near future.

  7. Oh Lou ..I am so sorry to hear all your sad news.,it is just not fair ..all the bad luck and worry that's coming your way .I am thinking of you all the time and will keep you and your husband in my prayers and hopefully there will be light in the end of this tunnel.Take care of yourself and you know these things will pass and please keep in touch with us cos we will miss you .You are very brave and I hope you had better news today.

  8. I'm sorry to hear all the bad stuff going on in your life! I have been through a loss almost identical to yours.. It is HORRIBLY painful.. not so much physical, but emotional. I regret NOT starting a pregnancy journal during that pregnancy... But I had a subsequent pregnancy, when I did start a journal, and most of the entries in it are about how scared I was that it would happen again. I pray that you can have peace after the D&C. It really makes everything final.. and it is HARD! I did eventually create a LO
    about my loss if you ever stop by the Scrapbook.com gallery you can check out my LO. I also have 1 in my blog.. I know reading that I wasn't the only one this had happened to helped me in the healing process. I will be keeping you in my prayers!

  9. Lou, sorry to read about your loss, my heart goes out to you and your Hubby. Hope he is doing okay now. Will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Deirdre